Rigger's Diary -- Christmas Eve

The day dawned brightly and I had made no promises. The phone rang so I went
and fixed an aerial for a good customer who had chosen to move house on the
23rd, only to find that she had no telly picture.

On the way home the phone went again. "Apparently no-one in the block has any
telly! The aerial and the dish have fallen down" I set off down the M1 in good
weather, but when I got to Mansfield it started to rain, and it seemed that the
whole town was driving about pointlessly. It was far worse that a normal rush
hour, and that was at 1.30pm.

I finally got to the flats, to find that the report had been an exaggeration.
In fact only one resident was affected, and he hadn't even got a Sky box. But
he had absolutely no terrestrial reception. "When did it go off?"

"Three months ago."

I couldn't believe it. There I was on Christmas Eve dealing with a fault at one
flat that had been there for three months! Apparently there'd been a
'communications breakdown'. Ah well, I thought. I checked the outlet plate and
sent a signal into it. The signal arrived at the polarity switch reduced by
45dB. There was no DC continuity on the cable when tested with a known
resistance at one end. Clearly a bit of a fault on the cable then. . .

I looked at the possibilities. It was a new building. A big block. Very high,
with very steep roofs. Typical of new apartment buildings it was all 'kerb
appeal' and no substance. The concrete wall toppings were loose -- just sitting
there -- the glazing was a disaster, and the block paving -- well, I've never
seen such a **** job. Anyway, the cable went into the floor below the switch,
which was under the stairs at the front, and came from above into the backbox
in the flat. What route it took between these points was anyone's guess. There
were no risers. There were no lofts, because the top floor had bedrooms in the
roof and the small remaining spaces were 'voided off' (i.e. sealed).

The 'head-end' if you could call it that was an absolute bloody disgrace, so it
was easy to believe that the cables would have been installed in a slipshod
manner. Cables sometimes break after a year or more when they're installed with
tension on them. I suppose the building settles. On the other hand, someone
could have hung a picture somewhere. But that usually results in a short
circuit.

I measured the distance around the building from the head-end to the flat. It
was about 70 metres. I groaned. But at least the rain had stopped.

I got started, running the cable around the building quite high up, trying to
find a route where it wasn't too visible. Suddenly the rain came down with such
ferocity that I was soaked before I could get down the ladder. Never mind, I'll
get changed when I've finished, I thought. At that moment Keith texted me to
say "****ing it down so I've knocked off." The *******! The absolute *******!
The rain continued.

Two and a half rain-sodden glasses-misted arse- wet-through hours later I had
the cable in place. Two boxes of clips had been bashed into the wall. I
couldn't have been more wet if I'd stood under Niagara Falls. I texted Keith.
"You're a *******." I put the ladders and the cable holder and the mastic gun
away and looked in the van for my bag of spare clothes. It wasn't there!
Bugger! ****!

I was really wet and I was starting to get very cold. All I could find in the
van was a pair of pumps, a pair of white long johns with a trapdoor in the
back, and a pink pullover with an effeminate slogan on the front. I started to
shiver uncontrollably.

All I needed to do inside the flat was connect the outlet, do a bit of
polyfillering, and test reception. The resident was a young man who lives
alone. "Now look," I said, "I've got rather wet and I haven't got a proper
change of clothes. I'm going to go into your lavatory and when I come out I
want you to promise not to laugh at my personal appearance. If in fact you do
laugh, or even s****** momentarily, you won't have any telly over Christmas.
OK?"

"OK."

His face was masterfully composed when I emerged, although I thought he was
going to crack up in mid-sentence when he said "Do you want a . . . . cup . .
.. . of tea?" He kept his granite composure perfectly as I mended his wall,
fitted his wallplate, and tuned in his Freeview. As I left he thanked me
profusely. His speech was strangely halting and he seemed to be leaning on the
wall for support.

In order that the gates should open to let me out of the yard it was necessary
for him to stand in the hallway next to the full height window and press the
button on his keyfob. As I drove through the gates I looked in my mirror to see
his silhouette in the window, helplessly convulsed. I decided to let him off.
It was raining too hard to be worth putting an axe through his new cable.

On the way home I was not stopped for a random breath test, nor did I buy any
diesel or call at the offy for some last minute booze. At home it is the
tradition that eccentric personal appearance is tolerated or even feted, but
even so young Katie did point as I hared across the yard. Never mind, she's
young. She has yet to learn our ways.

Bill

In message , Bill
writes

His face was masterfully composed when I emerged, although I thought he was
going to crack up in mid-sentence when he said "Do you want a . . . . cup . .
. . of tea?" He kept his granite composure perfectly as I mended his wall,
fitted his wallplate, and tuned in his Freeview. As I left he thanked me
profusely.

And the photos are going to appear on your site when??
--
Bill

Spoilsport!

Peter Crosland

Bill wrote:
And the photos are going to appear on your site when??


Never!

Bill


That young man had a much higher level of self-control than I have.
I'm afraid that I would have been without TV over Christmas.
Ever thought of doing a "Fred Dibna" style TV appearance?
Dave

In article ,
o (Bill) wrote:

And the photos are going to appear on your site when??

Never!

Bill

Bill, have you got any Australian relatives by any chance?

I saw this and thought of you!

http://www.iol.co.za/widgets/rss_red...48542165B223&s
etid=1&sectid=29&url=iol&vne=0

Sydney - Police dislodged a man stuck head first in an inner-Sydney
charity clothing bin early on Sunday morning.

Police said when they arrived on the scene they found what appeared to
be a woman wearing a tight miniskirt trapped halfway inside, Australian
news agency AAP reported. A closer inspection revealed a 35-year-old
man, who said he was donating clothes when he became stuck.

The two officers who initially attended the scene were unable to
dislodge the man and called the Police Rescue Squad, who freed him a
short time later. - Sapa-DPA

Dave

--
Dave Hill - dave _ _ news at hillcroft dot org dot uk
Kempston, Bedford

Bill wrote:

The day dawned brightly and I had made no promises. The phone rang so
I went and fixed an aerial for a good customer who had chosen to move
house on the 23rd, only to find that she had no telly picture.

snip

I enjoyed reading that, thanks.