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On Wednesday I condemned myself to a late afternoon on the Dreggs Estate.
1970s council houses in terraced rows, full of the usual mix of decent
people struggling to survive in that environment, total scumbags, and
everything in between. There were two jobs. The first was given to me as
"No. x **** Avenue complains about intermittent CB interference eminating
from No. y Violent Avenue."
Reception at No. x showed analogue cross modulation. "When do you get this
interference?"
"When he comes in."
"What time's that?"
"About half four." Already I sensed resentment because I was asking
pointless questions. Why didn't I just go round to Vomit Close and smash up
the CB radio with a big hammer?
"What time does it finish?"
"When he goes to bed."
"What time's that?"
"I don't fcuking know! [you stupid **** from the council] About 11 maybe."
"OK. When the interference starts does it always look like it does now?"
"Yes."
" Does it affect the sound?"
"No."
"Once it has started, does it keep on All The Time or does it Stop And
Start?"
"Oh it's all the fcuking time mate, all the fcuking time mate, it drives us
mad, I mean just look at it(blah blah)"
"OK, well this is really important. Suppose you were watching telly and the
interference was on, would it keep on like, all the time, never stopping, or
would it stop for maybe a second or two, or maybe half a minute? I'm not
saying that if it stops and starts it's less of a problem, I'm just trying
to find out exactly what happens so I can fix it."
"No, it's on all the time. It never stops."
"So it could be on for four hours without stopping?"
"Yes. It drives us mad (blah blah)."
"So does it start at half four exactly?"
"Well I don't fcuking know do I?"
"What time do you get in?"
"About half four."
"What time do you call it a night then?"
"About eleven."
"So you get the interference all the time? What about weekends?"
"We're not here weekends. She goes to her mother's to see her kids and I go
to my mother's to see mine."
"Have you got any other TV sets apart from this one?" [tenant is getting
seriously exasperated at these stupid questions]
"Yes we've got one in the bedroom and one in the kitchen."
"So how are they connected to the aerial?"
"I got one of them booster things but it's nothing to do with that. It's
behind the telly. It's a proper one, I got it from Argos."
"Let's have a look then." Aerial man looks at 'booster'.
"I'll just plug the aerial cable directly into your telly without the
booster. Oh look, the interference has stopped. Just as a double check I'll
connect the booster again. Look, now the interference is there again. Seems
it might well be the booster."
"No it's not that mate. It's that fcukin' CB er over there. [gestures
towards Violent Avenue] Look he's a total **** that bloke, I mean when we
had a bonfire, you know, got a few mates round, had a few laughs, just
because a fcukin' rocket went in his house, I mean, you never know where
they're going to go, anyway it only burnt his curtains a bit, fcukin' mardy
****, I mean you've got to live and let live that's what I always say. Why
don't you just go round and nail the *******?"
Aerial man fits a 10dB attenuator in front of the booster -- cheaper and
easier than removing the booster and fitting a splitter.
"OK, I've fitted a little gadget on your booster, so would you just go and
check your other tellys?"
[from the bedroom] "Where's the fcukin' remote for this fcukin' telly?
Fcuking 'ell Lisa wot you dun wiv it?
"I 'aven't fcuckin' 'ad it you stupid ****!"
Eventually the remote is found in the fetid bed and reception on all three
tellys is deemed "OK."
"OK then, I'll be on my way."
"So what you dun then?"
"Well the signal from the aerial was too strong for your booster, so I've
fitted a thing that makes it less strong."
"So it was strong signals then?"
"Yes."
As I left I heard him say to Lisa "See, I told you it was that **** over
there. He wants a good fcuking kicking that's what he wants!"

And the second job? I'd had enough. I left it for another day.

Bill

On Sat, 14 Jan 2006 02:31:12 -0000, Bill Wright wrote:

On Wednesday I condemned myself to a late afternoon on the Dreggs Estate.
1970s council houses in terraced rows, full of the usual mix of decent
people struggling to survive in that environment, total scumbags, and
everything in between.

---------------------------8 snip tale of inter-ear void

As I left I heard him say to Lisa "See, I told you it was that **** over
there. He wants a good fcuking kicking that's what he wants!"

And the second job? I'd had enough. I left it for another day.

How depressing. :-(

"Bill Wright" wrote in message
...
On Wednesday I condemned myself to a late afternoon on the Dreggs Estate.
1970s council houses in terraced rows, full of the usual mix of decent
people struggling to survive in that environment, total scumbags, and
everything in between. There were two jobs. The first was given to me as
"No. x **** Avenue complains about intermittent CB interference eminating
from No. y Violent Avenue."
Reception at No. x showed analogue cross modulation. "When do you get this
interference?"
"When he comes in."
"What time's that?"
"About half four." Already I sensed resentment because I was asking
pointless questions. Why didn't I just go round to Vomit Close and smash
up the CB radio with a big hammer?
"What time does it finish?"
"When he goes to bed."
"What time's that?"
"I don't fcuking know! [you stupid **** from the council] About 11 maybe."
"OK. When the interference starts does it always look like it does now?"
"Yes."
" Does it affect the sound?"
"No."
"Once it has started, does it keep on All The Time or does it Stop And
Start?"
"Oh it's all the fcuking time mate, all the fcuking time mate, it drives
us mad, I mean just look at it(blah blah)"
"OK, well this is really important. Suppose you were watching telly and
the interference was on, would it keep on like, all the time, never
stopping, or would it stop for maybe a second or two, or maybe half a
minute? I'm not saying that if it stops and starts it's less of a problem,
I'm just trying to find out exactly what happens so I can fix it."
"No, it's on all the time. It never stops."
"So it could be on for four hours without stopping?"
"Yes. It drives us mad (blah blah)."
"So does it start at half four exactly?"
"Well I don't fcuking know do I?"
"What time do you get in?"
"About half four."
"What time do you call it a night then?"
"About eleven."
"So you get the interference all the time? What about weekends?"
"We're not here weekends. She goes to her mother's to see her kids and I
go to my mother's to see mine."
"Have you got any other TV sets apart from this one?" [tenant is getting
seriously exasperated at these stupid questions]
"Yes we've got one in the bedroom and one in the kitchen."
"So how are they connected to the aerial?"
"I got one of them booster things but it's nothing to do with that. It's
behind the telly. It's a proper one, I got it from Argos."
"Let's have a look then." Aerial man looks at 'booster'.
"I'll just plug the aerial cable directly into your telly without the
booster. Oh look, the interference has stopped. Just as a double check
I'll connect the booster again. Look, now the interference is there again.
Seems it might well be the booster."
"No it's not that mate. It's that fcukin' CB er over there. [gestures
towards Violent Avenue] Look he's a total **** that bloke, I mean when we
had a bonfire, you know, got a few mates round, had a few laughs, just
because a fcukin' rocket went in his house, I mean, you never know where
they're going to go, anyway it only burnt his curtains a bit, fcukin'
mardy ****, I mean you've got to live and let live that's what I always
say. Why don't you just go round and nail the *******?"
Aerial man fits a 10dB attenuator in front of the booster -- cheaper and
easier than removing the booster and fitting a splitter.
"OK, I've fitted a little gadget on your booster, so would you just go and
check your other tellys?"
[from the bedroom] "Where's the fcukin' remote for this fcukin' telly?
Fcuking 'ell Lisa wot you dun wiv it?
"I 'aven't fcuckin' 'ad it you stupid ****!"
Eventually the remote is found in the fetid bed and reception on all three
tellys is deemed "OK."
"OK then, I'll be on my way."
"So what you dun then?"
"Well the signal from the aerial was too strong for your booster, so I've
fitted a thing that makes it less strong."
"So it was strong signals then?"
"Yes."
As I left I heard him say to Lisa "See, I told you it was that **** over
there. He wants a good fcuking kicking that's what he wants!"

And the second job? I'd had enough. I left it for another day.

Bill

Bill, you deserve a knighthood!

"Bill Wright" wrote in message
...
On Wednesday I condemned myself to a late afternoon on the Dreggs
Estate...

This is the real little britain. Ever considered sending your scripts to the
BBC? Far more entertaining than the normal stuff.

Jc.

On Sat, 14 Jan 2006 02:31:12 -0000, Bill Wright wrote:

"About half four."

Very entertaining, but have I missed something?

Why did it "start" at 4.30?

--
Nigel M

Nigel Molesworth wrote:
On Sat, 14 Jan 2006 02:31:12 -0000, Bill Wright wrote:

"About half four."

Very entertaining, but have I missed something?

Why did it "start" at 4.30?

"What time do you get in?"
"About half four."

The problem didn't start until someone turned on the TV
--
Alex

Hermes: "We can't afford that! Especially not Zoidberg!"
Zoidberg: "They took away my credit cards!"

www.drzoidberg.co.uk
www.ebayfaq.co.uk

Bill Wright wrote:
snip
And the second job? I'd had enough. I left it for another day.

Bill

Was the householder an english teacher by any chance? He had such a way with
words. ;-)
--
Adrian A

WCZ wrote:

"Bill Wright" wrote in message
...

Snip story of incredible patience

And the second job? I'd had enough. I left it for another day.

Bill

Bill, you deserve a knighthood!

Under my jurisdiction of pointless authority, I hereby award Bill a
Knighthood,

Arise *Sir Wright of Usenet*

Whoops, anyone got a plaster? Sorry about the cut, I'll stop bleeding in
a minuite? First Aid anyone?
:=)

Dave

Dave Spam wrote:
WCZ wrote:

"Bill Wright" wrote in message
...

Snip story of incredible patience

And the second job? I'd had enough. I left it for another day.

Bill

Bill, you deserve a knighthood!

Under my jurisdiction of pointless authority, I hereby award Bill a
Knighthood,

Arise *Sir Wright of Usenet*

Whoops, anyone got a plaster? Sorry about the cut, I'll stop bleeding
in a minuite? First Aid anyone?
:=)

Dave

You'll need more than a plaster to hold that ear on, see if Hil has a needle
and cotton.
--
Adrian A